Are We Losing When it Counts the Most?
Are you any good at debating? I’m not. I’m the worst debater ever. Seriously.
In a debate my mind moves with the explosiveness of a sloth in wet cement. Using, or misusing depending on your point of view, the work of Brené Brown I call it a gift of imperfection.
According to research and author, Adam Grant good listening is an anomaly in our world today.
“It’s common for doctors to interrupt their patients within 11 seconds, even though patients may need 29 seconds to describe their symptoms. And among managers who had been rated as the worst listeners by their employees, 94 percent of them evaluated themselves as good or very good listeners. In one poll, one-third of women said their pets were better listeners than their partners.”
Something I’ve noticed in my own life is how the experience of not being listened to can also feel like a debate. Which means I can find myself in uncomfortable postions regularly… not cool. Now I’m not talking about the academic type of debate where two-sides make arguments and counter arguments in a calm civil exchange. I’m talking about the pop-culture Frankenstein version of debate where two people talk and neither ever listen.
It’s funny to me how if I were to walk up and ask someone about the detailed nuances of English grammar, they would probably respond with something like, “I’m not very good with grammar. Who could remember all the rules and understand it all anyway?” And in the next breath with unwavering certainty tell me they have complete understanding of the afterlife.
I know, bad example, English grammar isn’t that complex. The point is we’re pretty comfortable saying we don’t know ‘knowable’ stuff but speak with arrogant certainty about ‘unknowable’ stuff.
And it’s this kind of debate, this absence of listening, that Adam Grant notices three different appraoches people tend use, Preacher, Prosecutor, and Politician.
The Preacher is the person who believes so strongly that when they debate, it becomes a sermon. In the Preacher role, my identity is connected to making converts.
The Prosecutor is the person who believes so strongly that when they debate, it becomes an interrogation. The Prosecutor needs to prove guilt, or in the case of a difference of beliefs, wrongness. In the Prosecutor role, my identity is connected to my ability to prove guilt or wrongness.
The Politician is the person who believes so strongly that when they debate, it becomes a placation. The Politician is willing to shape the debate to look like whatever you want. In the Politician Role, my identity is connected to my ability to win the court of public opinion and as Grant writes, “The Politician might change what they say but they don’t change their mind.”
Looking around though I’m starting to think we’re getting ourselves into a bit of a mess. It’s easy for me to run through my mind and name the Preachers, Prosecutors, and Politicians I cross my path but its dishonest to ignore completely all the times that I’ve been that person.
When being right is equally about winning and feeling like I’m still a good person, something is wrong… in me.
One of the challenging realities of listening is its a practice of making someone else’s passions, frustrations, disappointments, and ideas the priority. When I am listening I’m not converting, convicting, or convincing but I am relating. Its an act of what therapists call differentiation. I know where I stop and the other person starts. I can let them just be themselves and remain secure being me.
I believe a full and satisfying life, a life of wholeness, can only be reached by listening. I wonder what we have to lose by listening when we can and when we can’t simply saying so in a respectful way? I wonder what we become if we stop trying to convert, convict, or con?
What if, in replacing anxiety with curiosity, fear with wonder, and judgment with question, we become able to laugh a little more and curse a little less?
Well, it’s true we can’t truly know unless we try. But if I’m being honest from where I sit the way we’re doing things right now… it isn’t working.
In homage to the iconic Don Cornelius, I wish you peace, love, and a curious soul!
Benji
PS: Be curious, not judgmental.
Recommended Superhero Workout:
Take note over the next week of how often you interrupt someone before they are done speaking? See if you can notice when you do it out loud and in your head. You don’t have to tell anyone.
See if you notice a pattern…
Do you interrupt some people more than others?
Do some conversations or topics feel unsettling?
Do you default to the role of Preacher, Prosecutor, or Politician?
What do your answers to those questions tell you about yourself?
How can you use your insights to replace anxiety with curiosity, fear with wonder, and judgments with questions?
