The Swiss Army Knife of Emotionally Intelligent People
When I went through Boot-camp and Infantry Training in the Marine Corps, part of the training involved hiking.
Not the kind of hiking people that shop at REI do. There were no high-tech waterproof, shock-absorbent hiking boots or packs made of space-age, lightweight metals. And the hikes themselves weren’t for fun or fitness. No, the Marine Corps modeled these hikes after death marches. The purpose, I believe, was to create a shared experience of misery. And they were very successful.
You never knew where you were or how far you were going on these hikes. All you knew was that you were going to carry more gear than humans should carry, in boots not made for long-distance hiking.
There were two main goals for these hikes finish and stay together.
We, the Marines doing the hiking, had our own set of goals, which were just as important but not quite as obvious,
- DON’T FALL! - With all the gear on us and in our hands a fall was hazardous to our health.
- DON’T WALK OFF THE EDGE OF A CLIFF - Which is self-explanatory but not always as easy as it sounds.
- DON’T PISS OF A DRILL INSTRUCTOR - They feed off of your suffering.
Like everything in the Marine Corps, there was a method for reinforcing the importance of staying together. As we were hiking, following one after another like little ducks with heavy machine guns and ammo cans, the drill instructors would call out “AT&T!” When we heard them, we were to touch the pack of the Marine in front of us and respond, “Reach out and touch someone!” It was all to happen in seconds.
“AT&T!” they yelled. “Reach out and touch someone!” We yelled back. A continual reinforcement of the importance of staying together.
Staying together is an essential lesson for Marines, especially ground troops. In an environment filled with smoke, dirt, and loud noises physical contact is sometimes the only way to know you haven’t lost someone. When you’re moving into a position, carefully watching for enemies, you can’t look back and take a visual count that quick pat could be the difference between life or death. When you’re in a vulnerable position, that slight touch reminds you, you’re not alone.
In real life, AT&T can be just as valuable.
When I see someone who isn’t acting like themselves, I can simply say, “Are you okay?”
When someone shares a problem or expresses a difficult emotion, that simple question has provided that emotional pat to remind them they aren’t alone.
It is normal to feel hesitant to engage people, especially people not in our inner circle. It’s harder when feel the pressure of having to provide that person the right answer. There is also the fear that they might ask us to do something we can’t or don’t want to do.
All legitimate concerns, but ignoring someone struggling because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable isn’t healthy for them or us.
Just like I felt on those hikes, we’ve all experienced times in life where we didn’t know where we were going or if we could make it to the finish line.
When we’re struggling it’s often the unknown that weighs us down the most. The unknown is where our fears haunt us.
The unknown makes us feel like
No one sees
No one listens
No one cares
But we can subvert the unknown in our world by using the AT&T tool.
The AT&T tool is the Swiss Army Knife of emotionally intelligent people.
Ask, “Are you okay?”
Turn off the advice monster
&
Turn to wonder
When we touched the Marine's pack in front of us on those long death marches they called hikes, we were reminding ourselves we weren’t alone and reassuring the person in front of us they weren’t alone.
When we practice AT&T we aren’t committing to fix a problem or have the right answer.
Asking, “Are you okay” is a simple acknowledgment of our shared humanity. The best part is that after step one, you don’t have to say anything else. The rest is just listening.
Turning off the advice monster keeps the interaction and focus on them.
Turning to wonder, by asking yourself,
I wonder what brought him/her to this belief?*
I wonder what he/she is feeling right now?*
I winder what my reaction teaches me about myself?*
Turning to wonder creates a safe space for the other person not to be okay, directs us away from judgment, and leads us into curiosity and empathy.
The AT&T tool honors our differences and boundaries. It isn’t a physical touch. It’s a calming emotional presence.
The AT&T tool reminds us that people aren’t problems; people have problems.
Afraid someone might ask you to do something you can’t or don’t want to do is a legitimate fear.
Avoiding people because we can’t say no in a healthy way says more about us than it does about them.
Are you wondering is you offended someone inadvertently but not sure how to approach the conversation?
When you gave out assignments at work did someone get upset or just lash out?
Have you noticed a member of your team becoming distant from the rest of the group?
Practice AT&T and you’ll discover things about other people and yourself you never knew.
Ask, “Are you okay?
Turn off the advice monster
&
Turn to wonder
*Taken from Pete Scazerro’s book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.
